There is a new post up at Boston Mag. But I feel my unedited version of these colorful listing descriptions is better than what ended up posted there, so here is the unedited:

As we gear up for the spring market, I offer you my latest choice selections of favorite prose from the remarks section of active local MLS listings. A few things I have learned, there are a lot of “oversized” architectural features in the area (“oversized deck;” “oversized granite counters;” “oversized crystal chandelier;” and “oversized garage”) and that most of Waltham’s neighborhoods are “highly desirable.”

All remarks verbatim (don’t blame the editor or me for spelling, grammar or punctuation):

This elegant property is loaded with stunning architectural detail, which boats a notable myriad of extraordinary features, a grand foyer, splendid living room, glorious dining room, to-die-for butler’s pantry, master suite with fireplace & spectacular 3 season porch.

Back before I was in real estate, I was a Merchant Marine and once found myself part of a crew that had to boat notable myriad of extraordinary features in from Singapore. It was a dirty shame that First Mate Walter had “to die for” that one particular butler’s pantry at the hands of pirates. Damn pirates!

 

A Very 5 Star Street. Only one owner. Huge E.I.K. with the gourmet cook in mind. Separate breakfast room. Entertainment sized dining room. One car garge. STAND IN LINE!

I only live on a Mildly 3 Star Street and have always aspired to a Somewhat 4 Star Street. But never have I allowed myself the dream of a Very 5 Star Street. And perhaps I am modest in estimating my culinary skills, but apparently that E.I.K. has other, great things in mind for me. And the last time someone barked at me to STAND IN LINE! was during that aforementioned fateful pirate episode over the butler’s pantry. First Mate Walter was ahead of me on the plank, but I managed to escape my certain doom and lived to tell this tale.

 

Drastically reduced price on this Well maintained inside and out Cape… This beautiful home sits on a corner lot with pristine grounds. Come sit on your outdoor stone patio and look over the abundance of flowers and shrubery this home has to offer. Walk inside this home and feel the openness from your living room to the dining area and kitchen with its new appliances. Now at this price, it’s a must see.

I love reversable Capes that are Well maintained. And seasoned pros only go for the outdoor stone patios. Opting for the indoor patio is definitely a mistake that only first-time buyers make. This is why you should retain the services of a professional buyer’s agent, to point out the advantages of outdoor patios. How else are you going to enjoy the abundance of shrubery? Rarely does such a surfeit of shrubery come in an indoor model.

 

Embrace True Luxury in this Magnificent Mansion in the Heart of —– Estates! Let the expansive entry foyer featuring a skylit rooftop rotunda, fresco adorned soaring ceiling, curved staircase, & Palladian windows welcome you home. Marvel at the open floor plan and extensive use of granite & marble throughout. Enjoy losing yourself in the incredible living space. Bask in your Jacuzzi surrounded by windows & private views. Covet all of your prized vehicles in your huge garage. AWESOME!

I am pretty sure you can only covet the property of others…hey, wait a minute! Have the pirates found safe harbor for all their swag, including prized vehicles, in the bays of a huge garage of a fresco-painted, rooftop-rotunda-clad, Truly Luxurious suburban Boston home?!

 

A vintage home that celebrates a time in our history that is often only seen in books…

This 1920s home is celebrating a bit too boisterously for a piece of Prohibition-era real estate, if you ask me. Check the bathtub for gin or the basement for a speakeasy.

 

Hi, I’m a pristine, lovingly-cared-for colonial and I’m looking for a new owner. I served my present owner well but now I’d like to provide a nice home for someone else. On the 1st floor I offer a generous kitchen, a dining room with a charming tin ceiling and a comfortable living room. Upstairs there are two bdrms with another bonus rm plus a finished walkup attic. I have a front and back entry mudroom. Outside, you’ll find a great 2 car garage, yard & deck. Let’s make a date to meet soon!

Aw, you sound like such a cute home from your self-description. But I know that when we meet in person, you’re going to be just like all the other houses from these personal ads and your “bonus rm” is going to turn out to be some unwelcome physical feature like a sanctuary for your herd of cats an their seasonal wardrobes. So, yeah right: And I have been compared to George Clooney.

 

A 16×22 trek deck w/vinylrailingsoverlook level fenced in yard

Vinylrailingsoverlook is a great name for an indie beardrock band from Brooklyn. Send the suggestion to your nephew today!

 

A NEW YEAR, a new house & your wishes come true!

(This listing has been on the market for 651 days).